


I Don’t Know If I Should Stay

by Skylar0Grace



Series: 'Not In Sunnydale Anymore' Requests [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dark Angel
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-08
Updated: 2010-02-08
Packaged: 2017-12-04 18:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/713488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar0Grace/pseuds/Skylar0Grace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn't want to leave but doesn't know if she can stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don’t Know If I Should Stay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Eiress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eiress/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Not In Sunnydale...Anymore](https://archiveofourown.org/works/399360) by [Eiress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eiress/pseuds/Eiress). 



> Wrote this for Sassy and inspired by NiSA. NiSA was just so incredible that when I heard this song, I thought it would be perfect for Alec and Buffy. Hope you like it Sass!!!

* * *

  
_Where's my will, can I find a way_   
_The earth is wild and I can't sit still_   
_A familiar sound, a familiar voice_   
_Makes it so hard to make a choice_   
_I don't know if I should stay_   


  
Buffy leaned her head against the brick wall and willed her tears to subside. She didn’t think it was possible for her heart to hurt this much. It felt as though it were literally breaking in half and as the sobs wracked her body, she struggled for breath. Even in her most difficult times with Angel – watching him walk away from her, telling her she had a lot to learn; kissing him, only to have him roughly push her away and spit as though the taste of her was revolting now – none of that hurt as much as this did. Oh, she had loved Angel, she didn’t think she’d ever love anybody as much as she had loved him but she now knew how wrong that was. She never be hurting this much if she didn’t love Alec.

Buffy had given him all of her, every thing she had and he’d thrown it out like yesterday’s rubbish. His apologies, his protests that she had been mistaken had fallen on deaf ears. She had seen the truth with her own eyes and now the memories of the hells she had been through, literal and otherwise, paled in comparison. She couldn’t imagine living without him in her life - without his laughter, without his voice – but could she take him back? Could she tape up the shattered pieces of her heart and pretend that it had never been broken?

  
_A thousand stars, you will have my word_   
_I'm bright enough to fill these cracks_   
_A familiar place, a familiar voice_   
_Makes it so hard to make a choice_   
_I don't know if I should stay_   


  
Sucking in a deep breath, she pushed herself off the wall and looked down the alley. At the end, several people were walking past talking loudly but the world was eerily silent to her. Buffy pushed her shoulders back and began walking. She was a Slayer; she was destined to save the world and she’d always known that it was a lonely calling. She’d tried to fight her way around it, tried to keep her friends and family close but they were no longer here; she’d been sent to a different time and those rules that she had tried to find a way around seemed to be the only things that made any sense.

Buffy had to look out for herself, for her children. She’d envisioned him being right by her side as she fought to make this world safer for them, for the rest of the innocents, but now she would have to do it on her own. It was going to be hard but life as a Slayer was never meant to be easy and no one ever said it was.

  
_I ran to you like water, I threw my body in_   
_And I'll stand up on the ocean_   
_Just to show you that I'm strong, strong_   
_But what if I am wrong?_   


  
A shrill noise rang through the still night and Buffy pulled her mobile out of her pocket. It was him. The ring tone she had set specifically for him seemed to be mocking her and fresh tears sprung to her eyes as the lights flashed his name over and over. When she’d needed somebody, he’d been there. He was the one she’d called on for help, he was the one who’d held her and kept her safe.

Now his arms were around somebody else and her heart just wouldn’t believe it. She still wanted him, still needed him as much as before, even after everything she’d seen. The mobile kept asking her the same question: answer or end? Buffy raised a hand to her mouth as she struggled to keep the emotions in, as she tried to force herself to press ‘end’. But her heart wouldn’t do it and apparently neither would her thumb. Placing the mobile back in her pocket, she swallowed the huge lump in her throat and continued walking further and further away from him. Away from the lies and secrets, away from the anger and frustration; away from the piece of her heart that he would forever hold.

  
_A familiar look, a familiar smile_   
_Makes it so hard to make a choice_   
_I don't know if I should stay... away_   


  
Buffy allowed herself one last look over her shoulder at the building where he was before she turned the corner and walked away, his smile ingrained in her memory. Maybe one day she could move on like he had.


End file.
